I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
