For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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