For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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