After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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