my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
