I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
