so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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