I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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