she woke up with a sticky ear
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
