Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet