It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
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We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
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The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.