I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Two words: blizzard sex
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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