if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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