thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
