He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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