Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
