I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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