everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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