Just mADE A PArabola og urine
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
