i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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