Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
