when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
