He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
