You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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