You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
