Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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