If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
