is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
