Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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