your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
