The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
