HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she told me i tasted like america
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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