He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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