the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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