is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
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