I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
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Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
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Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements