I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done