Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.