I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
