Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
