I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
