If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
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