So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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