My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
