I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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