Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
