K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
