you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
