someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
