you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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