Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
