two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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