Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
