She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
